No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I am not only physically attracted to you.

No, no, no.

I do not want to let go of you.

No, no, no.

I never wanted you to leave my sight. And now it's gone and lost. What in the universe was I smoking? Clearly some new and improved invisible drug that makes you lose what you never should. Clearly something that makes you delusional from what is right in front of you. Something unethical, unfair and unwise. I can't believe what I thought was the right choice.

I was completely misunderstood from the very first sentence. I want to go back and erase the letter I sent to him less than ten days ago. It seems like it's been weeks since I wrote him off; if only I could get him back. And I've ruined everything.

Everything is falling down beneath me as my feet become glued to the ground. Therefore I fall with it, falling, falling, falling and nowhere to catch my breath. If only I could reach the ground and fall unconscious while he came to my rescue. If only I could feel pain again and know that he was coming back to be my knight in shining armor like he always was.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is outrageous. I'm so completely heartbroken. What am I going to do?

Josh Berghoff

I don't want you anymore. Not like that, at least. I feel like I'm only physically attracted to you now... and we have hardly anything in common. You are not the one for me, and I can surely feel it. I need to move on to something new. When I kiss you goodbye it only feels like kissing a stone- cold and uninteresting. Because things have changed between us. The chemistry we longed for is gone and lost; and I'm not going back to find it. I want someone that can really give me what I need in a relationship. If you really cared like I wanted you to, you would've invited me over the second you could. You know that I always want to be there with you, and I don't feel like you appreciate it. 

I see my heart wandering off in different directions, I see myself starting new relationships and figuring out a new way of life. I know things were great for us but I just wish you would've shown me more affection.

I don't love you... I only wish I did. And when I tell you I do, my heart is frail and weak. Because I feel guilty giving you the wrong idea. My problem is I hardly have the courage to tell you so. I'm very sorry, but our time is over and done. Goodbye.

Jealousy.

Ughhh. I hate those people who get everything right. Who come into a new activity and first shot they have, they make everyone else look like an idiot. Because they are always doing things the right way- the best way, and the look of a movie star.

I hate people like this because they make me look like a mess. I watch myself stumbling around day to day using my motor skills as excessively as I am able, stumbling and slipping on the pavement. And then they are standing besides me practically floating as they walk. I don't get it, what does it really take to become so great at everything you do? You're skinny, great posture, abs of steel and smile practically blinding. And next to you I look like a complete slob.

I'm embarrassed, because I want to look attractive and at ease like you going ten miles when I am crashing and burning by even taking one step forward. My jealousy gets worse at every turn and there is no way of turning back. I will work harder, become stronger and smile brighter. But no matter how much I try and become as perfect as one of you, I will still be at the bottom of the sea while you are high in the clouds.

Refrain from standing close to my view, so I don't surely puke at the sight of perfection leaning closely towards me.

Boys.

The bubble has bursted, and they are all drifting towards my sand desperately reaching out to grab my hand. One fling after the other, I have a crush. Oh goodness. But at the same time I feel horrible, once it was Dominic, and now it's Mark. I have such a hard time with boys.

Josh is still pulling at my side, mentioning he loves me. But I don't know, I'm just getting bored. When I'm with him I couldn't be happier. Until he... tries to have sex with me obviously. Because we do that every time I see him, and I almost feel like I'm being forced to do it now. Almost. But when we're not together, I barely ever see him show any affection towards me. And when he says something like "I miss you" it throws me off balance completely. The worst one yet for me to hear was, "who said we couldn't get married someday?" and I just felt like someone knocked the wind out of me... in a bad way. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, the way he flirts with girls and they flirt back, my jealousy was raging for such a long time that eventually I lost it. I feel like I'm getting the same feeling I obtained with Matt Fitzgerald- a numbing inside. A loss of concern or affection towards someone I once dearly loved. I don't know if it's simply boredom, or just a loss of hope. The real answer is leaning towards the second answer. And there's nothing I can clearly do about it. I feel awful thinking of others besides him, but I really don't know what else to do. I've been waiting for him to make a decision for nearly three months now. And people are telling me it's time to move on. Maybe it is.

Heart or gut feeling, I can never really tell anymore. Gut says stay. Heart says go and adventure on. I never know which one to follow, most people say to follow your heart... but it's never right for me.

The greatest birthday

Because I am emotionally shot. Warn down to the bone. Tossed into the sea with a great big anchor.

"It's not over!" she begged and pleaded. As she clenched her hands into tight fists and slammed her hand into the wall. Once again she held her ipod close to her chest and rocked back and forth, buried under the great white covers that lay over her. And she cried. Forever, hours and days it seemed. She is back to the start, not but a clean slate. Just a reminder of how forgotten she feels. Just a weary reminder of how she is hopeless and can never get what she thinks is right.

It's never right. It's never right. Ever.

"It can't be... It just can't be over..." she cried. She was bawling, shaking and screaming the words over and over again. Her heart was lit by a match and burned down to the very ashes. That song will inevitably repeat over and over again, but it won't matter. Everything seems the same, shot and hopeless.

And as much peace that she wanted, she couldn't have.

Let me hold my tears in dearly. And rock myself to sleep. Because the days must go on,

the days must go on.

Numb.

The most uncomfortable feeling in the world, when you have cut yourself from all feeling. Now I have eventually put myself in that place once again, and there's almost no turning back. The possibility of getting my hopes up again is slim to none, and I don't see it happening any time soon. He kissed my forehead last night, and my heart jumped. I closed my eyes slowly and enjoyed the second he got to touch me before he left me again. He was right, he is always letting me down, over and over again. And it hurts because even if I wanted to make things better between us, I don't know if I would have the strength.

I will get myself going, and my hopes as well. But I am always let down, every single time. I can't help but notice that every time he has broken my heart it's been over myspace, except maybe once. And don't you think that if it should work it would've by now? Because usually they say you will find someone and realize why all the other times didn't work out. Well our times have never worked out. And what should I expect anymore? I love him, I truly do. And it hurts when he turns away from me... he's done it many times too far. It's not about what he thinks about me anymore or what he wants. It's about whether this would ever work out again. Looking at our unstable statistics, I doubt a full strong relationship would be possible.

I doubt anything anymore. And I am just hopeless, as always.

Aggrivation.

As I sit at the computer I have realized how annoying it is not to have my own privacy. I mean really, is it that hard to just leave me alone for half an hour? Apparently not. I've been struggling with finding time to my own lately, since Vanessa and Roman have been over. But honestly I do enjoy their company. It's just difficult sometimes when Roman can't keep his nose out of my business.
And now that I got a new kitten, Vanessa is wanting to toss it around and pick it up all the time... there's nothing wrong with it, except that I am so damn protective. And it's becoming such a problem, I feel so irritated and it's uncontrollable. She probably thinks I'm annoyed with her, which is true in a way, but it's really just the fact that I want her all to myself. I'm so selfish sometimes.

Today I have realized I am giving up. Again, for the millionth time in a row. Of course it's not a permanent decision, but right now that's what I'm going to do. My rage has gotten to the best of me and lately I am so completely mad at myself that nothing is worth trying. Today I could go to the zoo, and hang out with my mom, my brother, Vanessa and Roman. But I am so aggravated nothing seems worth it. I mean honestly, what am I living for anymore?

Day by day I wonder about Josh and every time I think about him my heart starts beating rapidly. Usually that's a good thing; I mean, most people say that to be romantic, strike a poem and declare that "my love for you is the intensity of a thousand suns". But I am being completely truthful. It's literal, at this very moment I can feel my heart pulsing in my chest, and I do not like it one bit. He is completely ridiculous. If he LOVED me like he said he would, he would be at my house right now. He would want to see me every second of every day. But he doesn't.

My feelings are off the rocket. I feel like I'm going clinically insane. Help me.

Furious.

Aghhh. At the moment I am choking over my own jealousy once again. I have the urge to just scream profanities at the top of my lungs, this has gotten way out of control. Josh is hanging out with her again. He always his, always walking places with her, going to her house, who knows anymore. I am extremely upset and I don't know what to do with myself.

Thank goodness I have blog this to rant to.

Right now I am making a decision that will never clearly last, but I want to just deny him completely. He has become completely attracted to me physically, I hate hearing the words "I love you" come out of his mouth nowadays. It's not what it used to be, not the sweet sensitive love we used to have. Now it's all about messing around, because his dick isn't happy unless he gets what he wants from me. Goodness, the bible was right. Wait till marriage, those happy Christians are extremely smart to do so. I wish I would've had the will to wait, to be sure and not have to regret.

If he were to come to my doorstep this very minute (which he wouldn't but I can't help but imagine), I would look at him in disgust. He is clearly playing me, stating he has no other girl on his mind besides me, but that's not true. Nicole Elliot. Oh the sheer sight of her face makes me shutter with dislike. Dani is smart, she told me I should let her know what's up. But maybe it's not right to do.

I don't care what he claims as friendship with her, it is obviously more than that. When she calls him a babe and gawks over him day by day, I do not believe it is sheer friendship. I am utterly astonished at how completely jealous I can be. I should have known better, to keep him away from me. He is using me for pleasure, not a relationship. And I think sooner or later I need to realize that. I will be there whenever he feels like it. Nothing more.

Oh my mind is rambling up a storm, I feel so frantic inside! And pissy, nonetheless. I can't help but argue to myself about the feelings I have for him, and what I should do. Those sweet sultry words of his voice will once again lure me in to his deep spell, there must be some way out of it. Some hidden escape route I am yet to find. Maybe that's what I should look for.

If he really cared for me, he would have called me by now. He would've asked me about my day and told me something he felt about me. He wouldn't do that though, I'm only here for his convenience when he feels like talking. I hate to admit it, but I almost know for a fact that he doesn't love me. It's all lust. Honestly. At least that's what I feel like it is.

I don't know what to about that boy.

Cancer?

It's a secret I have held from almost everyone, except Josh. And now I'm posting it out there for the world to see... hoping that news doesn't get around. Most likely it will not, because I haven't seen anyone view my blogs. So, here I go.

I think I have cancer. Yes, dare I say it, and I have become quite afraid in a matter of ten minutes. But I should have done my research much sooner and now I know I have to see the doctor relatively soon. When I have had sex, I tend to bleed, actually about 98% of the time do I bleed. And not always even the sex, it could've been beforehand while I've been fingered. But I researched it, and a few people claimed that you should go see a doctor right away to get it checked out. It may be a cyst (which I am barely familiar with the name), and unnatural bleeding inside the uterus. Or wherever it may occur, I still have some things to find out. But it's not a sexually transmitted disease, because Josh and I were each others first, and we haven't slept with anyone else. I am just worried sick.

I am praying to God that it is nothing that I will truly have to worry about and it can be treated. I don't want to have to confess the news to my parents that I have been sexually active. But mostly, I don't want to die from a cancer like this. I have had sex so many times too, which makes me even more worrisome.

I am just hoping that I can become healthy and they can fix the problem. Please God, be on my side. It may be ironic to ask, but I have been told God will forgive you of your sins. And that is what I'm begging for now.

Another day passing.

So here I sit, on the laptop again. I am so unbelievably bored and I don't know what to do with myself. The cold eery music has seemed to be eating at my brain in these past few hours, and the minutes are passing by feverishly slow.

I can't help myself but be completely jealous of Josh and Hannah right now. Because at this very moment, he is hanging out with her happily, enjoying himself I am sure. Along with Hannah comes her best friend, Nicole. The name just dreads me- and again I get that hot furious feeling flooding through my chest as I imagine her beautiful smile. I have stopped caring on whether or not he claims to have feelings for her, I don't trust her or any other girl he sees. I have yet to decide what I am going to do about my jealousy problem. But whatever I do will probably take lots of time, and I barely have the patience. I try as hard as possible to avoid situations like these, tell myself I shouldn't care so much. And I try convincing myself that I don't need to have so many feelings for him.

After all, he isn't even my boyfriend. It's just a word really, and maybe I should ignore that. But we aren't as one anymore. I should let him go off and flirt with any amount of girls that he wants and not get so completely envious of them. He has such a great era about him that girls just want to get close to, and that's what I'm afraid of.

But I am saying to myself now,
Don't be so jealous.
Don't worry so much. He will be true to you.
And no matter what those other girls think of him, he's going to be faithful.

It's simply ridiculous. I wonder where this will go. If we're not "together" but we're not apart, and we act as though we are in fact together, what should I tell myself? Honestly.

A poem to describe him:

His iridescent eyes glow,
brown and glorious as the sun.
His eyebrows are expressive, dark and strong.
His delightful smile only shows
by a slight raise at the corner of his lips
But even so...
it is unbelievably beautiful.

His body is unwillingly robust,
Showing his dark past without purpose.
The way he swings his legs
and lifts his feet which much purpose
Like a gladiator, graceful and ready.

He is my knight in shining armor.
Day in and day out I walk honorably by his side.
He is rattling, so great and handsome
And I am in love with him.


Now that makes me feel a little better.
Here I go again, off to see what happens.

The beginning

So I started this blog for the reasoning and hope that no one I know personally will find it. I can finally write down my desires and honest feelings without regret. Maybe I will find other people to talk to? I haven't really searched around yet on Blogger, but maybe it will help me contain more sanity.

I remember doing this when I was younger; but only because I thought it would be cool to create a random page just for myself. Now, of course, I also created random email addresses and kept an obsessive count of Whyville for myself to keep contact with friends. I was a maniac with the internet- which I have never stopped being so. I am hoping to keep this layout and liking it- but I just never know because the things I write will change feelings from every single time. Some days I may want black, some days all white or gray! But that is life, to experiment.

I start my updates with the fact that this is Friday, the Friday I have been waiting for for a week. Something happened I honestly did not expect- which was a call from Josh. He just got back from Lake Powell and as the week passed without him here I never knew what to think. I figured he would just pass me by and ignore the fact that I was just around the corner. But he faithfully called as soon as he got back, and let me know how much he cared about me. At least a short version of it- which left me utterly confused and bewildered. I truly thought I was old news and he was interested in the new girl Nicole. Lately I have question myself with lots of whats and whys, but now is my time to really sort things out.
I am a hopeless romantic, I can never seem to find myself but in a relationship. It used to be just the thought of flirting as my excuse- but now I am quite dependent upon another human being of the opposite sex to stay by my side. Am I desperate, or just seeking a lover? I believe the answer is option number two, but I still struggle when I am not in a relationship. Josh is my latest one to lose, which I have not fully lost but we are currently "broken up" as they all like to call it. Now I have been keeping a safe eye on him, and eavesdropping has gotten my heart in so much trouble. I indeed thought for a fact that he liked a girl named Nicole, but after last night I am thinking differently.

Whatever the case is, I face a great decision. I may be ridiculed greatly for it which is why I fear seeing him again. If I decide to be with him again, I will hear no end of it from my friends and family (mainly my sister concerning family). But if I decide not to be with him, he will have much questioning to go by me and I will be deeply upset. I have no idea where I stand in the situation, or where he stands. But we will just have to see I guess.