Furious.

Aghhh. At the moment I am choking over my own jealousy once again. I have the urge to just scream profanities at the top of my lungs, this has gotten way out of control. Josh is hanging out with her again. He always his, always walking places with her, going to her house, who knows anymore. I am extremely upset and I don't know what to do with myself.

Thank goodness I have blog this to rant to.

Right now I am making a decision that will never clearly last, but I want to just deny him completely. He has become completely attracted to me physically, I hate hearing the words "I love you" come out of his mouth nowadays. It's not what it used to be, not the sweet sensitive love we used to have. Now it's all about messing around, because his dick isn't happy unless he gets what he wants from me. Goodness, the bible was right. Wait till marriage, those happy Christians are extremely smart to do so. I wish I would've had the will to wait, to be sure and not have to regret.

If he were to come to my doorstep this very minute (which he wouldn't but I can't help but imagine), I would look at him in disgust. He is clearly playing me, stating he has no other girl on his mind besides me, but that's not true. Nicole Elliot. Oh the sheer sight of her face makes me shutter with dislike. Dani is smart, she told me I should let her know what's up. But maybe it's not right to do.

I don't care what he claims as friendship with her, it is obviously more than that. When she calls him a babe and gawks over him day by day, I do not believe it is sheer friendship. I am utterly astonished at how completely jealous I can be. I should have known better, to keep him away from me. He is using me for pleasure, not a relationship. And I think sooner or later I need to realize that. I will be there whenever he feels like it. Nothing more.

Oh my mind is rambling up a storm, I feel so frantic inside! And pissy, nonetheless. I can't help but argue to myself about the feelings I have for him, and what I should do. Those sweet sultry words of his voice will once again lure me in to his deep spell, there must be some way out of it. Some hidden escape route I am yet to find. Maybe that's what I should look for.

If he really cared for me, he would have called me by now. He would've asked me about my day and told me something he felt about me. He wouldn't do that though, I'm only here for his convenience when he feels like talking. I hate to admit it, but I almost know for a fact that he doesn't love me. It's all lust. Honestly. At least that's what I feel like it is.

I don't know what to about that boy.