The beginning

So I started this blog for the reasoning and hope that no one I know personally will find it. I can finally write down my desires and honest feelings without regret. Maybe I will find other people to talk to? I haven't really searched around yet on Blogger, but maybe it will help me contain more sanity.

I remember doing this when I was younger; but only because I thought it would be cool to create a random page just for myself. Now, of course, I also created random email addresses and kept an obsessive count of Whyville for myself to keep contact with friends. I was a maniac with the internet- which I have never stopped being so. I am hoping to keep this layout and liking it- but I just never know because the things I write will change feelings from every single time. Some days I may want black, some days all white or gray! But that is life, to experiment.

I start my updates with the fact that this is Friday, the Friday I have been waiting for for a week. Something happened I honestly did not expect- which was a call from Josh. He just got back from Lake Powell and as the week passed without him here I never knew what to think. I figured he would just pass me by and ignore the fact that I was just around the corner. But he faithfully called as soon as he got back, and let me know how much he cared about me. At least a short version of it- which left me utterly confused and bewildered. I truly thought I was old news and he was interested in the new girl Nicole. Lately I have question myself with lots of whats and whys, but now is my time to really sort things out.
I am a hopeless romantic, I can never seem to find myself but in a relationship. It used to be just the thought of flirting as my excuse- but now I am quite dependent upon another human being of the opposite sex to stay by my side. Am I desperate, or just seeking a lover? I believe the answer is option number two, but I still struggle when I am not in a relationship. Josh is my latest one to lose, which I have not fully lost but we are currently "broken up" as they all like to call it. Now I have been keeping a safe eye on him, and eavesdropping has gotten my heart in so much trouble. I indeed thought for a fact that he liked a girl named Nicole, but after last night I am thinking differently.

Whatever the case is, I face a great decision. I may be ridiculed greatly for it which is why I fear seeing him again. If I decide to be with him again, I will hear no end of it from my friends and family (mainly my sister concerning family). But if I decide not to be with him, he will have much questioning to go by me and I will be deeply upset. I have no idea where I stand in the situation, or where he stands. But we will just have to see I guess.