Boys.

The bubble has bursted, and they are all drifting towards my sand desperately reaching out to grab my hand. One fling after the other, I have a crush. Oh goodness. But at the same time I feel horrible, once it was Dominic, and now it's Mark. I have such a hard time with boys.

Josh is still pulling at my side, mentioning he loves me. But I don't know, I'm just getting bored. When I'm with him I couldn't be happier. Until he... tries to have sex with me obviously. Because we do that every time I see him, and I almost feel like I'm being forced to do it now. Almost. But when we're not together, I barely ever see him show any affection towards me. And when he says something like "I miss you" it throws me off balance completely. The worst one yet for me to hear was, "who said we couldn't get married someday?" and I just felt like someone knocked the wind out of me... in a bad way. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, the way he flirts with girls and they flirt back, my jealousy was raging for such a long time that eventually I lost it. I feel like I'm getting the same feeling I obtained with Matt Fitzgerald- a numbing inside. A loss of concern or affection towards someone I once dearly loved. I don't know if it's simply boredom, or just a loss of hope. The real answer is leaning towards the second answer. And there's nothing I can clearly do about it. I feel awful thinking of others besides him, but I really don't know what else to do. I've been waiting for him to make a decision for nearly three months now. And people are telling me it's time to move on. Maybe it is.

Heart or gut feeling, I can never really tell anymore. Gut says stay. Heart says go and adventure on. I never know which one to follow, most people say to follow your heart... but it's never right for me.