No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I am not only physically attracted to you.

No, no, no.

I do not want to let go of you.

No, no, no.

I never wanted you to leave my sight. And now it's gone and lost. What in the universe was I smoking? Clearly some new and improved invisible drug that makes you lose what you never should. Clearly something that makes you delusional from what is right in front of you. Something unethical, unfair and unwise. I can't believe what I thought was the right choice.

I was completely misunderstood from the very first sentence. I want to go back and erase the letter I sent to him less than ten days ago. It seems like it's been weeks since I wrote him off; if only I could get him back. And I've ruined everything.

Everything is falling down beneath me as my feet become glued to the ground. Therefore I fall with it, falling, falling, falling and nowhere to catch my breath. If only I could reach the ground and fall unconscious while he came to my rescue. If only I could feel pain again and know that he was coming back to be my knight in shining armor like he always was.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is outrageous. I'm so completely heartbroken. What am I going to do?

Josh Berghoff

I don't want you anymore. Not like that, at least. I feel like I'm only physically attracted to you now... and we have hardly anything in common. You are not the one for me, and I can surely feel it. I need to move on to something new. When I kiss you goodbye it only feels like kissing a stone- cold and uninteresting. Because things have changed between us. The chemistry we longed for is gone and lost; and I'm not going back to find it. I want someone that can really give me what I need in a relationship. If you really cared like I wanted you to, you would've invited me over the second you could. You know that I always want to be there with you, and I don't feel like you appreciate it. 

I see my heart wandering off in different directions, I see myself starting new relationships and figuring out a new way of life. I know things were great for us but I just wish you would've shown me more affection.

I don't love you... I only wish I did. And when I tell you I do, my heart is frail and weak. Because I feel guilty giving you the wrong idea. My problem is I hardly have the courage to tell you so. I'm very sorry, but our time is over and done. Goodbye.

Jealousy.

Ughhh. I hate those people who get everything right. Who come into a new activity and first shot they have, they make everyone else look like an idiot. Because they are always doing things the right way- the best way, and the look of a movie star.

I hate people like this because they make me look like a mess. I watch myself stumbling around day to day using my motor skills as excessively as I am able, stumbling and slipping on the pavement. And then they are standing besides me practically floating as they walk. I don't get it, what does it really take to become so great at everything you do? You're skinny, great posture, abs of steel and smile practically blinding. And next to you I look like a complete slob.

I'm embarrassed, because I want to look attractive and at ease like you going ten miles when I am crashing and burning by even taking one step forward. My jealousy gets worse at every turn and there is no way of turning back. I will work harder, become stronger and smile brighter. But no matter how much I try and become as perfect as one of you, I will still be at the bottom of the sea while you are high in the clouds.

Refrain from standing close to my view, so I don't surely puke at the sight of perfection leaning closely towards me.

Boys.

The bubble has bursted, and they are all drifting towards my sand desperately reaching out to grab my hand. One fling after the other, I have a crush. Oh goodness. But at the same time I feel horrible, once it was Dominic, and now it's Mark. I have such a hard time with boys.

Josh is still pulling at my side, mentioning he loves me. But I don't know, I'm just getting bored. When I'm with him I couldn't be happier. Until he... tries to have sex with me obviously. Because we do that every time I see him, and I almost feel like I'm being forced to do it now. Almost. But when we're not together, I barely ever see him show any affection towards me. And when he says something like "I miss you" it throws me off balance completely. The worst one yet for me to hear was, "who said we couldn't get married someday?" and I just felt like someone knocked the wind out of me... in a bad way. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, the way he flirts with girls and they flirt back, my jealousy was raging for such a long time that eventually I lost it. I feel like I'm getting the same feeling I obtained with Matt Fitzgerald- a numbing inside. A loss of concern or affection towards someone I once dearly loved. I don't know if it's simply boredom, or just a loss of hope. The real answer is leaning towards the second answer. And there's nothing I can clearly do about it. I feel awful thinking of others besides him, but I really don't know what else to do. I've been waiting for him to make a decision for nearly three months now. And people are telling me it's time to move on. Maybe it is.

Heart or gut feeling, I can never really tell anymore. Gut says stay. Heart says go and adventure on. I never know which one to follow, most people say to follow your heart... but it's never right for me.

The greatest birthday

Because I am emotionally shot. Warn down to the bone. Tossed into the sea with a great big anchor.

"It's not over!" she begged and pleaded. As she clenched her hands into tight fists and slammed her hand into the wall. Once again she held her ipod close to her chest and rocked back and forth, buried under the great white covers that lay over her. And she cried. Forever, hours and days it seemed. She is back to the start, not but a clean slate. Just a reminder of how forgotten she feels. Just a weary reminder of how she is hopeless and can never get what she thinks is right.

It's never right. It's never right. Ever.

"It can't be... It just can't be over..." she cried. She was bawling, shaking and screaming the words over and over again. Her heart was lit by a match and burned down to the very ashes. That song will inevitably repeat over and over again, but it won't matter. Everything seems the same, shot and hopeless.

And as much peace that she wanted, she couldn't have.

Let me hold my tears in dearly. And rock myself to sleep. Because the days must go on,

the days must go on.

Numb.

The most uncomfortable feeling in the world, when you have cut yourself from all feeling. Now I have eventually put myself in that place once again, and there's almost no turning back. The possibility of getting my hopes up again is slim to none, and I don't see it happening any time soon. He kissed my forehead last night, and my heart jumped. I closed my eyes slowly and enjoyed the second he got to touch me before he left me again. He was right, he is always letting me down, over and over again. And it hurts because even if I wanted to make things better between us, I don't know if I would have the strength.

I will get myself going, and my hopes as well. But I am always let down, every single time. I can't help but notice that every time he has broken my heart it's been over myspace, except maybe once. And don't you think that if it should work it would've by now? Because usually they say you will find someone and realize why all the other times didn't work out. Well our times have never worked out. And what should I expect anymore? I love him, I truly do. And it hurts when he turns away from me... he's done it many times too far. It's not about what he thinks about me anymore or what he wants. It's about whether this would ever work out again. Looking at our unstable statistics, I doubt a full strong relationship would be possible.

I doubt anything anymore. And I am just hopeless, as always.

Aggrivation.

As I sit at the computer I have realized how annoying it is not to have my own privacy. I mean really, is it that hard to just leave me alone for half an hour? Apparently not. I've been struggling with finding time to my own lately, since Vanessa and Roman have been over. But honestly I do enjoy their company. It's just difficult sometimes when Roman can't keep his nose out of my business.
And now that I got a new kitten, Vanessa is wanting to toss it around and pick it up all the time... there's nothing wrong with it, except that I am so damn protective. And it's becoming such a problem, I feel so irritated and it's uncontrollable. She probably thinks I'm annoyed with her, which is true in a way, but it's really just the fact that I want her all to myself. I'm so selfish sometimes.

Today I have realized I am giving up. Again, for the millionth time in a row. Of course it's not a permanent decision, but right now that's what I'm going to do. My rage has gotten to the best of me and lately I am so completely mad at myself that nothing is worth trying. Today I could go to the zoo, and hang out with my mom, my brother, Vanessa and Roman. But I am so aggravated nothing seems worth it. I mean honestly, what am I living for anymore?

Day by day I wonder about Josh and every time I think about him my heart starts beating rapidly. Usually that's a good thing; I mean, most people say that to be romantic, strike a poem and declare that "my love for you is the intensity of a thousand suns". But I am being completely truthful. It's literal, at this very moment I can feel my heart pulsing in my chest, and I do not like it one bit. He is completely ridiculous. If he LOVED me like he said he would, he would be at my house right now. He would want to see me every second of every day. But he doesn't.

My feelings are off the rocket. I feel like I'm going clinically insane. Help me.