Because I am emotionally shot. Warn down to the bone. Tossed into the sea with a great big anchor.
"It's not over!" she begged and pleaded. As she clenched her hands into tight fists and slammed her hand into the wall. Once again she held her ipod close to her chest and rocked back and forth, buried under the great white covers that lay over her. And she cried. Forever, hours and days it seemed. She is back to the start, not but a clean slate. Just a reminder of how forgotten she feels. Just a weary reminder of how she is hopeless and can never get what she thinks is right.
It's never right. It's never right. Ever.
"It can't be... It just can't be over..." she cried. She was bawling, shaking and screaming the words over and over again. Her heart was lit by a match and burned down to the very ashes. That song will inevitably repeat over and over again, but it won't matter. Everything seems the same, shot and hopeless.
And as much peace that she wanted, she couldn't have.
Let me hold my tears in dearly. And rock myself to sleep. Because the days must go on,
the days must go on.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Numb.
The most uncomfortable feeling in the world, when you have cut yourself from all feeling. Now I have eventually put myself in that place once again, and there's almost no turning back. The possibility of getting my hopes up again is slim to none, and I don't see it happening any time soon. He kissed my forehead last night, and my heart jumped. I closed my eyes slowly and enjoyed the second he got to touch me before he left me again. He was right, he is always letting me down, over and over again. And it hurts because even if I wanted to make things better between us, I don't know if I would have the strength.
I will get myself going, and my hopes as well. But I am always let down, every single time. I can't help but notice that every time he has broken my heart it's been over myspace, except maybe once. And don't you think that if it should work it would've by now? Because usually they say you will find someone and realize why all the other times didn't work out. Well our times have never worked out. And what should I expect anymore? I love him, I truly do. And it hurts when he turns away from me... he's done it many times too far. It's not about what he thinks about me anymore or what he wants. It's about whether this would ever work out again. Looking at our unstable statistics, I doubt a full strong relationship would be possible.
I doubt anything anymore. And I am just hopeless, as always.
I will get myself going, and my hopes as well. But I am always let down, every single time. I can't help but notice that every time he has broken my heart it's been over myspace, except maybe once. And don't you think that if it should work it would've by now? Because usually they say you will find someone and realize why all the other times didn't work out. Well our times have never worked out. And what should I expect anymore? I love him, I truly do. And it hurts when he turns away from me... he's done it many times too far. It's not about what he thinks about me anymore or what he wants. It's about whether this would ever work out again. Looking at our unstable statistics, I doubt a full strong relationship would be possible.
I doubt anything anymore. And I am just hopeless, as always.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Aggrivation.
As I sit at the computer I have realized how annoying it is not to have my own privacy. I mean really, is it that hard to just leave me alone for half an hour? Apparently not. I've been struggling with finding time to my own lately, since Vanessa and Roman have been over. But honestly I do enjoy their company. It's just difficult sometimes when Roman can't keep his nose out of my business.
And now that I got a new kitten, Vanessa is wanting to toss it around and pick it up all the time... there's nothing wrong with it, except that I am so damn protective. And it's becoming such a problem, I feel so irritated and it's uncontrollable. She probably thinks I'm annoyed with her, which is true in a way, but it's really just the fact that I want her all to myself. I'm so selfish sometimes.
Today I have realized I am giving up. Again, for the millionth time in a row. Of course it's not a permanent decision, but right now that's what I'm going to do. My rage has gotten to the best of me and lately I am so completely mad at myself that nothing is worth trying. Today I could go to the zoo, and hang out with my mom, my brother, Vanessa and Roman. But I am so aggravated nothing seems worth it. I mean honestly, what am I living for anymore?
Day by day I wonder about Josh and every time I think about him my heart starts beating rapidly. Usually that's a good thing; I mean, most people say that to be romantic, strike a poem and declare that "my love for you is the intensity of a thousand suns". But I am being completely truthful. It's literal, at this very moment I can feel my heart pulsing in my chest, and I do not like it one bit. He is completely ridiculous. If he LOVED me like he said he would, he would be at my house right now. He would want to see me every second of every day. But he doesn't.
My feelings are off the rocket. I feel like I'm going clinically insane. Help me.
And now that I got a new kitten, Vanessa is wanting to toss it around and pick it up all the time... there's nothing wrong with it, except that I am so damn protective. And it's becoming such a problem, I feel so irritated and it's uncontrollable. She probably thinks I'm annoyed with her, which is true in a way, but it's really just the fact that I want her all to myself. I'm so selfish sometimes.
Today I have realized I am giving up. Again, for the millionth time in a row. Of course it's not a permanent decision, but right now that's what I'm going to do. My rage has gotten to the best of me and lately I am so completely mad at myself that nothing is worth trying. Today I could go to the zoo, and hang out with my mom, my brother, Vanessa and Roman. But I am so aggravated nothing seems worth it. I mean honestly, what am I living for anymore?
Day by day I wonder about Josh and every time I think about him my heart starts beating rapidly. Usually that's a good thing; I mean, most people say that to be romantic, strike a poem and declare that "my love for you is the intensity of a thousand suns". But I am being completely truthful. It's literal, at this very moment I can feel my heart pulsing in my chest, and I do not like it one bit. He is completely ridiculous. If he LOVED me like he said he would, he would be at my house right now. He would want to see me every second of every day. But he doesn't.
My feelings are off the rocket. I feel like I'm going clinically insane. Help me.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Furious.
Aghhh. At the moment I am choking over my own jealousy once again. I have the urge to just scream profanities at the top of my lungs, this has gotten way out of control. Josh is hanging out with her again. He always his, always walking places with her, going to her house, who knows anymore. I am extremely upset and I don't know what to do with myself.
Thank goodness I have blog this to rant to.
Right now I am making a decision that will never clearly last, but I want to just deny him completely. He has become completely attracted to me physically, I hate hearing the words "I love you" come out of his mouth nowadays. It's not what it used to be, not the sweet sensitive love we used to have. Now it's all about messing around, because his dick isn't happy unless he gets what he wants from me. Goodness, the bible was right. Wait till marriage, those happy Christians are extremely smart to do so. I wish I would've had the will to wait, to be sure and not have to regret.
If he were to come to my doorstep this very minute (which he wouldn't but I can't help but imagine), I would look at him in disgust. He is clearly playing me, stating he has no other girl on his mind besides me, but that's not true. Nicole Elliot. Oh the sheer sight of her face makes me shutter with dislike. Dani is smart, she told me I should let her know what's up. But maybe it's not right to do.
I don't care what he claims as friendship with her, it is obviously more than that. When she calls him a babe and gawks over him day by day, I do not believe it is sheer friendship. I am utterly astonished at how completely jealous I can be. I should have known better, to keep him away from me. He is using me for pleasure, not a relationship. And I think sooner or later I need to realize that. I will be there whenever he feels like it. Nothing more.
Oh my mind is rambling up a storm, I feel so frantic inside! And pissy, nonetheless. I can't help but argue to myself about the feelings I have for him, and what I should do. Those sweet sultry words of his voice will once again lure me in to his deep spell, there must be some way out of it. Some hidden escape route I am yet to find. Maybe that's what I should look for.
If he really cared for me, he would have called me by now. He would've asked me about my day and told me something he felt about me. He wouldn't do that though, I'm only here for his convenience when he feels like talking. I hate to admit it, but I almost know for a fact that he doesn't love me. It's all lust. Honestly. At least that's what I feel like it is.
I don't know what to about that boy.
Thank goodness I have blog this to rant to.
Right now I am making a decision that will never clearly last, but I want to just deny him completely. He has become completely attracted to me physically, I hate hearing the words "I love you" come out of his mouth nowadays. It's not what it used to be, not the sweet sensitive love we used to have. Now it's all about messing around, because his dick isn't happy unless he gets what he wants from me. Goodness, the bible was right. Wait till marriage, those happy Christians are extremely smart to do so. I wish I would've had the will to wait, to be sure and not have to regret.
If he were to come to my doorstep this very minute (which he wouldn't but I can't help but imagine), I would look at him in disgust. He is clearly playing me, stating he has no other girl on his mind besides me, but that's not true. Nicole Elliot. Oh the sheer sight of her face makes me shutter with dislike. Dani is smart, she told me I should let her know what's up. But maybe it's not right to do.
I don't care what he claims as friendship with her, it is obviously more than that. When she calls him a babe and gawks over him day by day, I do not believe it is sheer friendship. I am utterly astonished at how completely jealous I can be. I should have known better, to keep him away from me. He is using me for pleasure, not a relationship. And I think sooner or later I need to realize that. I will be there whenever he feels like it. Nothing more.
Oh my mind is rambling up a storm, I feel so frantic inside! And pissy, nonetheless. I can't help but argue to myself about the feelings I have for him, and what I should do. Those sweet sultry words of his voice will once again lure me in to his deep spell, there must be some way out of it. Some hidden escape route I am yet to find. Maybe that's what I should look for.
If he really cared for me, he would have called me by now. He would've asked me about my day and told me something he felt about me. He wouldn't do that though, I'm only here for his convenience when he feels like talking. I hate to admit it, but I almost know for a fact that he doesn't love me. It's all lust. Honestly. At least that's what I feel like it is.
I don't know what to about that boy.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Cancer?
It's a secret I have held from almost everyone, except Josh. And now I'm posting it out there for the world to see... hoping that news doesn't get around. Most likely it will not, because I haven't seen anyone view my blogs. So, here I go.
I think I have cancer. Yes, dare I say it, and I have become quite afraid in a matter of ten minutes. But I should have done my research much sooner and now I know I have to see the doctor relatively soon. When I have had sex, I tend to bleed, actually about 98% of the time do I bleed. And not always even the sex, it could've been beforehand while I've been fingered. But I researched it, and a few people claimed that you should go see a doctor right away to get it checked out. It may be a cyst (which I am barely familiar with the name), and unnatural bleeding inside the uterus. Or wherever it may occur, I still have some things to find out. But it's not a sexually transmitted disease, because Josh and I were each others first, and we haven't slept with anyone else. I am just worried sick.
I am praying to God that it is nothing that I will truly have to worry about and it can be treated. I don't want to have to confess the news to my parents that I have been sexually active. But mostly, I don't want to die from a cancer like this. I have had sex so many times too, which makes me even more worrisome.
I am just hoping that I can become healthy and they can fix the problem. Please God, be on my side. It may be ironic to ask, but I have been told God will forgive you of your sins. And that is what I'm begging for now.
I think I have cancer. Yes, dare I say it, and I have become quite afraid in a matter of ten minutes. But I should have done my research much sooner and now I know I have to see the doctor relatively soon. When I have had sex, I tend to bleed, actually about 98% of the time do I bleed. And not always even the sex, it could've been beforehand while I've been fingered. But I researched it, and a few people claimed that you should go see a doctor right away to get it checked out. It may be a cyst (which I am barely familiar with the name), and unnatural bleeding inside the uterus. Or wherever it may occur, I still have some things to find out. But it's not a sexually transmitted disease, because Josh and I were each others first, and we haven't slept with anyone else. I am just worried sick.
I am praying to God that it is nothing that I will truly have to worry about and it can be treated. I don't want to have to confess the news to my parents that I have been sexually active. But mostly, I don't want to die from a cancer like this. I have had sex so many times too, which makes me even more worrisome.
I am just hoping that I can become healthy and they can fix the problem. Please God, be on my side. It may be ironic to ask, but I have been told God will forgive you of your sins. And that is what I'm begging for now.
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