Another day passing.

So here I sit, on the laptop again. I am so unbelievably bored and I don't know what to do with myself. The cold eery music has seemed to be eating at my brain in these past few hours, and the minutes are passing by feverishly slow.

I can't help myself but be completely jealous of Josh and Hannah right now. Because at this very moment, he is hanging out with her happily, enjoying himself I am sure. Along with Hannah comes her best friend, Nicole. The name just dreads me- and again I get that hot furious feeling flooding through my chest as I imagine her beautiful smile. I have stopped caring on whether or not he claims to have feelings for her, I don't trust her or any other girl he sees. I have yet to decide what I am going to do about my jealousy problem. But whatever I do will probably take lots of time, and I barely have the patience. I try as hard as possible to avoid situations like these, tell myself I shouldn't care so much. And I try convincing myself that I don't need to have so many feelings for him.

After all, he isn't even my boyfriend. It's just a word really, and maybe I should ignore that. But we aren't as one anymore. I should let him go off and flirt with any amount of girls that he wants and not get so completely envious of them. He has such a great era about him that girls just want to get close to, and that's what I'm afraid of.

But I am saying to myself now,
Don't be so jealous.
Don't worry so much. He will be true to you.
And no matter what those other girls think of him, he's going to be faithful.

It's simply ridiculous. I wonder where this will go. If we're not "together" but we're not apart, and we act as though we are in fact together, what should I tell myself? Honestly.

A poem to describe him:

His iridescent eyes glow,
brown and glorious as the sun.
His eyebrows are expressive, dark and strong.
His delightful smile only shows
by a slight raise at the corner of his lips
But even so...
it is unbelievably beautiful.

His body is unwillingly robust,
Showing his dark past without purpose.
The way he swings his legs
and lifts his feet which much purpose
Like a gladiator, graceful and ready.

He is my knight in shining armor.
Day in and day out I walk honorably by his side.
He is rattling, so great and handsome
And I am in love with him.


Now that makes me feel a little better.
Here I go again, off to see what happens.

The beginning

So I started this blog for the reasoning and hope that no one I know personally will find it. I can finally write down my desires and honest feelings without regret. Maybe I will find other people to talk to? I haven't really searched around yet on Blogger, but maybe it will help me contain more sanity.

I remember doing this when I was younger; but only because I thought it would be cool to create a random page just for myself. Now, of course, I also created random email addresses and kept an obsessive count of Whyville for myself to keep contact with friends. I was a maniac with the internet- which I have never stopped being so. I am hoping to keep this layout and liking it- but I just never know because the things I write will change feelings from every single time. Some days I may want black, some days all white or gray! But that is life, to experiment.

I start my updates with the fact that this is Friday, the Friday I have been waiting for for a week. Something happened I honestly did not expect- which was a call from Josh. He just got back from Lake Powell and as the week passed without him here I never knew what to think. I figured he would just pass me by and ignore the fact that I was just around the corner. But he faithfully called as soon as he got back, and let me know how much he cared about me. At least a short version of it- which left me utterly confused and bewildered. I truly thought I was old news and he was interested in the new girl Nicole. Lately I have question myself with lots of whats and whys, but now is my time to really sort things out.
I am a hopeless romantic, I can never seem to find myself but in a relationship. It used to be just the thought of flirting as my excuse- but now I am quite dependent upon another human being of the opposite sex to stay by my side. Am I desperate, or just seeking a lover? I believe the answer is option number two, but I still struggle when I am not in a relationship. Josh is my latest one to lose, which I have not fully lost but we are currently "broken up" as they all like to call it. Now I have been keeping a safe eye on him, and eavesdropping has gotten my heart in so much trouble. I indeed thought for a fact that he liked a girl named Nicole, but after last night I am thinking differently.

Whatever the case is, I face a great decision. I may be ridiculed greatly for it which is why I fear seeing him again. If I decide to be with him again, I will hear no end of it from my friends and family (mainly my sister concerning family). But if I decide not to be with him, he will have much questioning to go by me and I will be deeply upset. I have no idea where I stand in the situation, or where he stands. But we will just have to see I guess.